Me, myself and my fears

Me, myself and my fears

Starting to write again is always just as worrying. A few years ago, however, writing seemed as natural as breathing. I don’t know why or how but at a point, I totally lost that part of me. Maybe is it buried deep down. Repressed. I’m struggling to get out of a blank page that hasn’t changed in almost five years. When I was younger, I could lock myself in my room and spend hours typing on my keyboard, alone in front of my screen. When my first laptop dropped, I took it as a blow to the heart. Since then, I have detached myself from technology a bit, but regularly, very regularly, back up everything I produce. I haven’t had to save any text for a long time. I don’t write anymore.

Feeling anxious to resume an activity that was so essential to me seems crazy, almost ridiculous. Yes, pretty ridiculous. However, I have a lump in my stomach again and I stare at my screen without knowing how to continue. And why? This is a good question. Maybe it’s the fear of not being as gifted as it used to be. Realizing that ultimately, I never had any talent. I’m not worthy of interest. Certainly. So I will continue and relearn. Slowly. At my own pace.

I once read that if you wake up in the morning and say that you are something, someone, then you are. This something was very simple for me to define. I grew up waking up every morning and repeating to myself that I was a writer. Today, when I get up in the morning, I am an amateur photographer, a foodie, an employee, a polyglot, a feminist, an environmentalist. Today, I am lost. And none of these adjectives seem real to me. Nothing is completely me, as if I had not been successful.

Now comes the time to say stop to all this doubt that paralyzes me. It almost sounds like an excuse. If I don’t move, it’s not my fault. No, that’s the doubt, this devouring shadow. However, I am well aware that it comes from me and from me alone. So I say stop. Enough. It’s high time to slowly take advantage when in doubt, however scary it may be. I’m going to learn to redefine myself, even if I can only define myself with one adjective. So I will learn to be everything at the same time and feel good in these multiple roles.